Missing Beats Read online

  I felt my whole body respond to his intimate words about his thoughts and it took me a couple of seconds to realize what his finger was doing and the air in the room seemed to thicken between us. What was happening had nothing to do with two old friends getting reacquainted anymore. It was something far more than that. I just didn’t know what.

  Feelings stirred inside me that I had no right to feel. I was with Elliott. My shame began to fight with my feelings, and as if he knew, Kane snickered at my embarrassment and smiled affectionately. “Come here,” he murmured, in a volume that was barely above a whisper. Coaxing me toward him, he held out his hand. “I don’t bite, Jo,” he mocked, and my heart rate shot through the roof as I took a step closer to him.

  Barely a foot of air separated us when he reached down and took my right hand, placing it over his heart. My fingers tingled and my core pulsed as my hand became trapped between his pecs, with his palpable heartbeat and the warmth of his soft palm. Such a small gesture, but the effect of him holding it there felt calming for some reason. I spread my hand on his chest and wallowed in the smoothness of his skin from the shower. I could smell the clean fresh soap from my body wash mingling with the minty toothpaste on his breath. I wanted to wrap my arms around him; no, I wanted to climb inside to experience everything about him.

  Commanding my attention, he spoke, “As long as this beats in my chest I’ll remember you, Jo. Can you feel it? You have been in my dreams so many times over the years I feel like I’m dreaming now,” he murmured as he continued to hold my hand against his chest. “Did you ever dream of me?”

  Glancing up at his face, he was a good six inches above me. The deeper meaning in his conversation wasn’t lost on me. I nodded slowly, a pang of sadness jolting my heart. “Yes,” I whispered. “I did, but they weren’t dreams I’m eager to recall. I used to worry about you when I was younger and I guess some of those transferred into my subconscious at times. They weren’t dreams, Kane, they were nightmares.”

  The magic of the moment we had been sharing was disrupted by my honesty. A look of dismay flitted across Kane’s face. Closing the space between us completely, he pulled me flat against his chest. My cheek rested on his hard pec muscle and my heartbeat rose instantly in reaction. Strangely, for all our years apart; that moment was the most comfortable I’d ever felt around him. Bending his head nearer to my ear, his grip tightened and his large hand splayed over my back. “God, I’m so sorry, I had no idea—”

  “Stop, it’s fine. It’s just that we used to be so honest with each other. I didn’t want to start lying now.”

  Kane took a deep breath, breathing me in just like I had done with him each time we had hugged or comforted each other. He showed no sign of releasing me from his arms. The familiarity we shared during those moments felt pretty unnerving considering that one day I was watching him on TV, flirting for sport with beautiful eye-candy on a music channel, and the next day he stood in my sitting room wearing nothing but a towel, telling me things about his feelings that I had no idea what to do with. Stepping back, I created some distance between us again and folded my arms.

  “Look, Kane, I’m happy you’re back but all this talk is pretty seductive. This is me, Jo. The girl you saw on the same level as you from our childhood. So why do I get the feeling you are trying to seduce me?” I had no idea if what I was saying was the right thing at the time, but I was falling for the same things I had mocked him for in my head when I had seen him play the woman on the screen.

  “And why do I get the feeling that you would be uncomfortable with that, Jo? We’re not kids anymore. Look at us, we’re both consenting adults, and we have a mountain of history together. I came to see the girl I loved from my childhood, but since the moment I heard your voice I had this longing to get to know the woman you became. I want to mend fences with you and have you back in my life.”

  “I am back, Kane, so you don’t have to try to seduce me. I know how charismatic and charming you are. I see through your wit and flirtatious teasing; they were some of the things I loved about you, but please…don’t play with me like that. Not now.”

  “Is that what you think I’m doing? Who says I’m playing? When you sent me your picture my dick twitched in my pants and the skin on my balls tightened. It felt almost orgasmic, babe. You think I get that often?” He shook his head. “Standing here with you right now…I don’t know what this is, but all I want to do is kiss you. I’m trying hard not to do that, babe. I don’t want to ruin whatever this is. But…if I’m honest, it scares the shit out of me because I’m normally a no-ties kinda guy. I’m a musician in a band, I fuck and duck. I’m going to be out on the road in a few days’ time and girlfriends have never been a priority. I’ve never found anyone I wanted to be with. Yet, I’m standing in this moment with you…missing you already, and I just got here. So…help me out, Jo, because I really don’t know what the fuck is going on here.”

  Chapter 6

  Judge and jury

  Is he playing me? Everything was suddenly too serious and I pushed back. “Whoa. Where did that come from?” Kane was messing with my sanity and I knew I’d be ruined if I didn’t get a grip on my feelings. “I get it, there’s something intense going on for the both of us right now, a flood of memories to a time when we were innocent and safe. That’s bound to make us think that things were better than they actually were, but I’m not going to climb into bed so you can fuck me.”

  “Damn, Jo. How well you know me, eh? You’d rather believe what you read than find out who I am? Maybe you and Elliott do deserve each other, ʼcause you’re both just as quick to make judgments about me.” His comment took me back, I’d said virtually the same thing to Elliott earlier, but I felt that Kane was way ahead of me at playing mind games.

  “You’re good, Kane, I’ll give you that. You had me believing that you were here for me. That you wanted to make up for lost time and get close to me again. Or wasn’t that the plan at all? Did you think…oh I know, I’ll ring that little chick I used to know from when we were kids, it’ll be fun to fuck her and less effort than picking up a groupie while I’m in town? Well I have news for you. You can gather up your shit and get the fuck out of my apartment. I’m not a fuck and duck kinda girl. You got the wrong woman for that, Kane.”

  My whole body shook with temper at the thought I was being played. I stood with my hands on my hips breathing deeply while I tried to prevent myself falling apart in front of him. I was mostly angry at myself for allowing him to get under my skin and romanticizing our reunion. It had to be that otherwise what he had said wouldn’t have mattered so much. I was no match for the adult Kane Exeter. The level of intimacy he had built up over the previous five minutes had me in no doubt he would have crossed the line between us. If I hadn’t come to my senses in time I may well have let him.

  “Jesus, Josie,” he said, running his hands through his silky dark hair. My gaze caught the flex of the various muscle groups on his body as they rippled when he moved. I was annoyed with myself when another kind of ripple altogether ran through my body. Rarely had he ever called me Josie and that made me hesitate for a second as I heard the frustration in his voice. The last thing I wanted was to be turned on by him, but as furious as I was I couldn’t help but drool at how appealing he looked.

  When he turned and our eyes met again, his expression was the nearest to shame I’d ever seen. He then shocked me as he did something that stopped me dead in my tracks. He dropped his towel and walked away from me toward his duffle bag, crouched down and pulled out a fresh pair of jeans. My eyes were riveted to his strong, muscular back and the amazing contours of his body from behind. Shaking his jeans out, he threaded one leg in then the other. He slid them slowly up his calves to his thighs then slowly over his perfectly defined ass, pulled them up and turned to face me as he buttoned up the fly.

  Walking back over to me he put his hand out to touch my shoulder and I shied away, moving out of his reach altogether and sat on the so
fa. He followed and slowly took a seat next to me. The pained look on his face said it all and he closed his eyes for a second. I don’t know what it was but something in the look he gave me made me feel ashamed. When he opened his eyes, he bit his bottom lip giving me a sad smile.

  “Jo, I’m truly sorry. This isn’t at all how I wanted this to go,” he explained, shaking his head. “I came back to find you because after all these years I know I did the wrong thing by dropping you from my life. You were one of the best pieces of my childhood, and as young as I was, you have been the only girl with a place in my heart since then. Your sweet face is the one that’s always risen to the surface with every happy childhood memory. The last thing in the world I want to do is fuck with your feelings.”

  Nothing I could have said would have been the right thing at that moment. If I had spoken I would have confessed to everything I had felt since the moment he hugged me at the airport.

  “Maybe you’re right, maybe this thing in my head is a fantasy and I’ve taken this opportunity to play it out. You know what? Maybe we should just get drunk and forget this whole damned conversation.”

  My heart sunk in disappointment, yet I understood. Why would he be attracted to me when there are so many other better looking girls out there on his wavelength? For a moment I thought about continuing with my demand for him to leave, but without the added stress of him standing in a small blue towel and nothing else, I relented because I wasn’t ready to watch him walk out of my life again without us being in a good place. I knew I’d never be ready to do that. So I backed down and stupidly thought getting drunk seemed like the only action to change the course of our day.

  I’d noticed that both bottles of expensive white wine amongst Kane’s goodies had made their way into the fridge, so I grabbed a bottle and lifted two, long-stemmed glasses from the side cabinet. While I was doing that, Kane searched my cabinets for some snacks. A pout confirmed that he came up with nothing much as I usually hit the store on payday for luxuries. I would eat them in the first week and the rest of the month I lived on microwave popcorn as treats.

  Deciding to start on another carton of cold noodles, Kane sat cross-legged, Indian style on the floor by the low table. Joining him on the floor, I knelt down beside him. Once again, after a couple of glasses of wine the tension I had been feeling ebbed away and I began to relax. After an hour we were on much safer ground when his stories had me rolling around laughing. Descriptively, he recalled funny situations he’d been in with his band and his storytelling was so amazing I felt as if I were there. When I poured the last of the wine into our glasses, Kane stood up, swayed unsteadily then reached over and grabbed his phone.

  Giggling at him trying to focus on the screen, I watched as he pulled his cell to his face and closed one eye, tapped a number out then lifted the phone to his ear. “What’s this address again?”

  Without even asking what he wanted it for I gave it to him; he relayed it line for line to whoever was on the other end, followed by, “Two bottles of tequila, two of white rum, and two bottles of JD. Chips, nuts and whatever the fuck you think we need for a party. Nah, fuck, no drugs…that shit fucks with my artistic flow,” he snickered, before he hung up without giving credit card details or anything.

  Staring down at me he smirked crookedly. “While the bar’s being restocked I’m just gonna…” He gestured his thumb toward the bathroom and I watched him from the weird angle where I was sitting on the floor as he staggered away, bounced off the wall and disappeared from sight.

  I smirked, feeling pretty mellow and drowsy so I lay back and stared up at the ceiling for a few seconds before closing my eyes, happy that we had gotten past the weird shit. When I felt the vibration of his footsteps I opened my eyes and saw him nearing me. Grinning sheepishly, he stated, “Sorry, I had to make yellow.”

  “Eww, thanks, I hope you washed your hands,” I mumbled. Crouching down beside me he drew his finger down my wrinkled nose, in another intimate gesture. “See, that’s what I was talking about…” He didn’t finish his sentence as he fell back on his ass beside me. He tried to sit up again but gave up and rolled onto his side to lie beside me. Feeling spaced out I turned my head to face him.

  “Remember the day we went to that meadow and lay on the grass like this watching the clouds floating by in the sky?”

  “Oh. My. God, yes! We had an argument because I saw a rhino’s head; you saw a unicorn and Jacob told us it looked like a cauliflower with a giant penis,” Kane exclaimed and we both laughed hysterically, more because we were so drunk and found it funnier than it actually was. We were both creased with laughter and at one point we ended up rolling into each other. We both stopped laughing at the same time and had another weird moment where we stared into each other’s eyes for what seemed like forever. Eventually, I blinked and broke our trance as Kane reached up and took a strand of my hair between two of his fingers.

  “You turned out gorgeous, baby,” he said as his eyes roamed over my face. He pulled a strand of my hair to his nose and inhaled deeply. “We’re so drunk, right?” he said, chuckling. Drunk didn’t begin to describe the state we were in, but unfortunately even blind drunk he was still the sexiest guy I’d ever laid on a floor with.

  I figured he wasn’t expecting an answer so I said nothing and lay there staring back at him. “This is so fucking surreal…me here with you. Lying on the floor of your apartment,” he added, as he flashed me his million-dollar smile before his expression became serious again. “I missed you, Jo, but now that I’m here, I realize I missed so much with you over the years. We were special together…don’t you think?”

  “We were kids, Kane, but yeah it was a special time. Seeing you again…it’s weird. Great, I mean, but I have all these weird feelings meshing together, and I’m not sure what to make of them.”

  “Exactly! I couldn’t have said it better myself, it’s like I want to hug you…protect you, but seeing how hot you are, I have a tense feeling in my gut and my balls, but in the best possible way. Like I want to sit you on my knee and rock you…that kinda feeling.” Once more the weight of his stare gave me butterflies. “But I can’t lie, Jo. I’ve had a half chub since I knew I was going to see you again and a boner for most of the time since I hugged you at the airport,” he said, chuckling at his own description. “It’s true…it’s like all the blood has rushed to my cock and can’t find the exit.” My heart did somersaults, flattered by his comment, but heat flushed my face because it felt wrong. I hardly know him. Where is the kid I knew, because this guy is way too dangerous for me?

  “Stop it. I think you’re romanticizing the situation or you’re just horny,” I replied, and leaned over to swat him. He continued to stare at me and I weirded out before trying to move away, but as drunk as he was, he grabbed my wrist, rolled me onto my back, and climbed over me on all fours.

  “Still as slow as ever, Jo.” The sloppy version of his pantie-melting grin made my stomach clench. “Remember how we used to play fight? We always ended up in this very position.” He gestured at our position and waggled his eyebrows.

  “Yeah, that’s because I let you win,” I said, trying to save face and ignore his suggestive smirk.

  “Oh, so even then you wanted to be beneath me,” he joked. “Interesting.” Another weighted stare took my breath away until I realized I was holding it and exhaled heavily.

  “You’re sick, you know that.” I said it like I was bored, but giggled when he started tickling me making me breathless. As abruptly as he had started to tickle me he stopped, his face taking on the same serious expression as before.

  “Fuck. You’re so beautiful. Can I kiss you, Jo? If you had been any other woman I would have done it by now, and more,” he laughed softly. “But…since it’s you, I’m asking.” Dropping his forehead to mine I found the intimacy of his action and the intensity of the moment one too many for one day. The desire in his eyes was burning hot. Alcohol definitely impaired my judgment because even thoug
h I knew it was a terrible idea, it had only taken a split second to decide that I wanted his kiss more than air or any possible consequences we faced afterward.

  Taking a deep breath before replying, I wallowed in the private closeness we shared, never wanting it to end. A sharp knock on my apartment door made me jump. I banged my head against his and the floor, while Kane cussed and rolled back onto the floor turning away from me. Clumsily, he rose to his hands and knees, using the table to stand upright, and staggered to the door.

  The distraction brought me to my senses as I struggled up onto my hands, sitting up while he dealt with another delivery guy. I figured he must have an account somewhere because he never paid. Closing the door, he carried the two cartons of alcohol and snacks over to the kitchen counter. I was glad for the breathing space, and although I was deeply disappointed we hadn’t kissed, I quickly figured God was looking out for me. I was sure if he’d kissed me in the state I was in we would have gone all the way. Stumbling to my feet my instinct was to go to bed before we did something we, or at least I, would regret in the morning.

  “No more for me, I’m—” A wave of nausea lurched up from my belly and made me retch. Staggering past Kane I headed for the bathroom as my stomach rolled over inside. I barely made the toilet bowl before Kane reached the doorway.

  “Ah, shit,” he mumbled as I felt him move to stand beside me. “You really are a lightweight drinker, huh?” he affirmed as he scooped my hair and pulled it into a ponytail. Three more bouts of sickness and I’d about spewed myself inside out. My eyeballs and throat stung.